What I did on my Summer Holiday
By Harry Potter.
An alternate universe, OOC, illustrated fanfic
in which Harry Potter grows a brain.
This is SO not gonna happen...
Before I even got into the car, while we were still in sight of my friends from school, I handed my aunt the form that would allow me to practice magic over the summer. I handed her a pen, too. She signed it. Excellent! As soon as we reached 'home', or the Dursley's house, I owled it off to the appropriate Ministry office.
Hedwig returned an hour later with my special permission slip and then I sent her away again to Gringott's requesting a full accounting of all my funds. She returned after a while and I gave her some owl treats from my trunk and I sat down to read the lovely ornate goblin calligraphy.
I had a lot of money. Really, a whole lot of money.
If I was dead it wouldn't be much use to me though. How much of this wad should I blow in an attempt to save my life?
...All of it.
First though, I had to decide if I was just going to take the money and run away to Brazil or stay here and fight. I decided my chances were perhaps slightly better if I stayed to fight. Slightly. Good enough.
I got out some parchment and wrote a letter to Remus Lupin offering him twenty thousand galleons to tutor me three days a week over the summer in Defense Against the Dark Arts and Apparating. Hedwig was still looking chipper. I gave her the parchment and sent her out again.
I made a list of who I might be likely to wish to talk with in the likely event of heinous evil doings happening in my general vicinity. About thirty, maybe forty people. Then I went downstairs to talk to Dudley and we wrote out a contract together. I promised him one thousand pounds plus expenses and costs for him to go and research cellular calling plans and phones and find me the best deal in Britain for buying phones in bulk. I wanted a bushel of phones, all with text messaging and all preprogrammed with each other's number and I wanted Dudley to program them all for me. He agreed for only a thousand pounds. Dudley's cheap.
Hedwig returned and scratched at the window. Remus Lupin had written me back. He was delighted to accept my terms. Hedwig looked tired. I decided that was enough for the first day.
I sent a letter to Hermione, Percy Weasley, Blaise Zabini and Luna Lovegood offering each one of them five hundred galleons to independently prepare for me a fifty page paper giving me an overview of the last three hundred years of wizarding history. I asked for Hermione to approach the history from the point of view of the Muggleborn, Percy to pay particular attention to the history as seen from within the Ministry, Blaise to give me the Pureblood point of view, and Luna to give me the complete conspiracy whackjob collection.
Dudley waved printouts at me and babbled at me about phones and tech and how much time it was all taking him. I promised him another thousand pounds and he went away.
My Dada lessons with Remus are really interesting so far. I practiced apparating with him as well, which, like flying, seems to be one of those things I'm naturally good at. I took myself to Diagon Alley, walked into Ollivander's with a box of Galleons and bought five more wands for myself. Some worked better than others, but they were all okay. I commissioned Professor McGonagall to transfigure them into objects I could unobtrusively slip about my person. Things like shoelaces and- well, other things.
I sent Hedwig to Professor Trelawney, asking for a private audience. I crossed her palm with silver to tell me what that stupid prophesy was. I've got it all written out here. I don't think it will help, but at least now I know.
I've been getting a lot of use out of that annoying dayplanner Hermione gave me. I have a lot of appointments. I have delivered and explained about twenty of the phones to my cohorts. They have been enjoying them mightily, which was not part of the plan, but what the heck.
Hermione didn't want to be paid for the history paper I commissioned from her, but I insisted. I read hers and the other three papers one after the other. They were interestingly different from each other, but in general the wizarding world seems ...shockingly stupid. Okay, then!
I bribed Remus another thousand Galleons to give me a complete unexpurgated history of the Potter Family and Friends and in revenge Remus suggested that I start up the Occlumency lessons again with Professor Snape. I badly did not want to do this, but I decided to write to him anyway. He was not easily hired. It cost me stupid money to get Professor Snape to come to my house and teach me twice a week, and we both hate every second of it, but I suppose it's working. The nightmares have slacked off anyway. I'm no longer spending the lessons on my knees, either.
I have to make a list of who I have to visit now to give phones to. Professor Dumbledore is on the list. After reading the history papers, I think I may have changed my mind about giving him one though. No, that would look too suspicious. I have to give him one.
Dudley claims if I could give him all information on the dates and times of Death Eatery appearances that he could run it through a computer and distill some useful pattern out of it. I think he's just angling for me to subsidize a software update for him, but I'll bite.
Maybe tomorrow I'll join a gun club.
I asked for more suggestions from everyone I knew, every Professor and every student. The ideas from the Weasley twins were easily implemented; they just wanted more cash. Neville's idea was eminently sensible, too. And no one will ever suspect that I- Um. Nevermind. Yeah, I reckon I'm as ready I can be.
Actually I can't wait.
Part 2 is here.